Dieting, How I Loath You

Dieting. It's torture. But it is torture we willing put ourselves through. As it becomes swimsuit season women start to worry about fitting into a bikini and worry about how good we will look. I fall victim to it. Well I fall into it all the time, not just swimsuit season. I worked really hard last winter/ spring when I took off a semester. I hit the gym and watched what I ate. I lost weight too. I was finally happier about my appearance, not completely, but getting there. Problem- college. Watching what you put in your mouth is so hard when you eat at a school cafeteria. You don't know what is going into the food, you don't know the amount of calories. You can try and watch your portions but that one portion could still blow the amount of calories that is recommended. So to truly know what is going into your food, you need to make it. But that can be even more tricky if there is no where to cook, or if you buy a meal plan because you have to. It just really doesn't work. The next problem comes when you are taking 17 credits. It doesn't allow for much time to run to the gym. That was my first semester. It was hard. I probably didn't gain too much of the weight back, but then spring hit. Spring semester I had only 14 credits but one of my classes was an intensive studio. The down time I did have I wanted to relax, I didn't want to go to the gym. I continued to try and watch what I ate, and to be honest the cafeteria didn't really interest me. But I gained the weight back. It is such a frustrating never ending cycle. So here in June I find myself back home, and dieting all over again. But this time it is painful. All I want is to eat things I love. Not necessarily in excess, but I want to be able to have food I like. I want to be able to go out with friends. But, my body won't allow it. I can't seem to lose weight. I've been on a diet for a month and nothing, no results. And now I'm working. I am enjoying my job and what I do, but I hate working out in the evenings, and after 8 hours of work, I'm tired. I don't want to go down to my gym just so I can do 40 minutes on the elliptical. I like to work out when I wake up, but when you have to get up at 7am just so you can get to work on time, it would be a pain to get up at 5:30am just so you can go. I know I sound like I'm whining and making excuses, and I know there are people out there who do just that, but all it makes me feel is like it's unfair. It is so unfair that I have a body that doesn't take well to food or exercise. That I have the body type that doesn't allow me to eat whatever I want and stay thin. I also know it didn't all get there overnight, but to really encourage the work I'm doing, why am I not lucky enough to see results? Dinner sucks, because I love food, and I enjoy it. But I am trying to not eat too much, but what is a hamburger without a bun? Or what is a pool party opening when you can't have dessert? Like this weekend, we are having a pool party, and my mom wants to make carrot cake cupcakes, MY FAVORITE FLAVOR, and because it is so fattening I can't have it.So what do I do? Not go and sit in my room and be depressed for a different reason? For being alone? Or watch as everyone else eats exactly what they want, without any worry? The restrictions suck. They eat away at my resolve, especially when it is constantly being shoved under my nose. Eating out is a mess because no where I go has nutrition facts. I go to local places that I love, but no where do they tell me what is in the food. I wish I was one of those people who hated food, or that it just didn't interest them. It would make life so much easier. Or be one of those people who loves to work out. But I'm not. Its like no matter what I do I'll be in this never ending vicious cycle. I'll continue to hate dieting, but I will continue to do so, because I hate the way I feel. But I don't think I'll ever get to the point I want. I know I can't be a size 6 or 120lb, I wasn't built that way, my bone structure will never be able to allow it. But I'd like to look good for my build, and I don't. I just feel like giving up because everything I do is killing me. It sucks. I hate it. I wish I was a person who didn't care. But I'm not. Just don't see a way out. Like I said, a vicious never ending cycle.

From Idaho With Love, Molly